A New Direction

Saw this on reddit the other day. Had to share it.

 
New Christian, here. I feel His love. It is the most amazing thing I have ever felt. This is my story.

I made a post last week about my struggles as an Atheist and some of the questions I have had. You were all so warm and welcoming [on r/TrueChristian] that I felt like I had to share my story with you.

I have been mostly exploring my faith with this amazing Christian woman. She and I have been going to church together and reading the bible and generally exploring the faith together. We have been spending a lot of time together and though we have been completely plutonic, I have been thinking about her a lot and thought that perhaps we could possibly have a romantic relationship.

So one night while we are watching documentaries together, we start holding hands. Oh boy, this is great! Then we start kissing! I can’t believe it! Then… we start really making out like a couple of teenagers. Um… I mean, this is awesome, but … something is wrong. This feels wrong.

I left feeling a little off. This was what I wanted, wasn’t it? I can’t shake the feeling… by the time I got home, I had a sentence repeating in my head… “You make people into the worst version of themselves.” When I stopped the car, I burst into tears. This amazing Christian woman, who I respect and cherish, has now been tempted down the path of lust by me. What is wrong with me? How could I have dreamed of doing that to this woman? I fell asleep feeling absolutely ill. What in the absolutely green earth is wrong with me.. how could I be so selfish…

I woke up and the feeling was worse. This can’t be the right path. Everything up to this point had felt so right. I need to make this right. I text her a couple of bible verses to try and steer the ship right. She asks if she can call me. Oh boy, here we go…

She tells me that she feels exactly the same way. What we did was wrong. She is very interested in pursuing a relationship, but it has to be on God’s terms. My friends, the WEIGHT that was lifted from my chest! I felt so relieved that, even though we had sinned, we had seen the error of our ways and repented.

I hung up with her and thought back to all of the people I had corrupted over my life and all the evil things I have done. I was a thief and a liar. My wife left me because I made her an angry, bitter, indifferent person. I enable my friends and their vices, my laziness and ambitionlessness infect everyone I work with. This amazing, amazing woman, that has helped me become the man I most want to be was almost tempted from her faith because of me! I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take the chance of infecting anyone else with my abhorrent nature.

Everything that I had been thinking about and experiencing the last few months hits me like a ton of bricks. I know what I have to do. I fall to my knees and cry out “Father, Jesus, I give my life to you, I will do everything you ask of me for the rest of my life, just please, PLEASE, forgive my sins and take away this horrible part of me!” I am kneeling before God, arms raised, heart open, tears streaming down my face, and….

Nothing happened. I kind of stayed kneeling for a moment, looking around, waiting for the movie score to fill the room, but… nothing happened. I have to admit, I was a little disappointed. I got up off my knees and went back to what I was doing. But I kept repeating it to myself, “Please father, take away my horrible nature.”

Slowly, surely as anything, over the next few hours, I was slowly filled with His love. It was the warmest and most complete feeling I have ever had in my life. It cascaded over my entire body and became quite overwhelming at one point. I felt the old me slowly melt away. It wasn’t any particular moment, but at one point, I just kind of blinked and looked around and thought, “My God, I am a Christian”.

Since then, just a few days ago, I have had that fire renewed. Sometimes it becomes a soft flicker. Other times, it roars with intensity, especially after I pray. But it has never left me, I feel it as I write this. As lifelong atheist, I never would have thought this possible. This still doesn’t make a lot of “empirical” sense to me. But I know it in my heart, as much as I have known anything, I feel His love. And it is absolutely amazing.

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your warmth, your generosity, your Godliness. I’m hoping to spend a lot of time here from now on. You were a part of the most important steps I have taken so far in this amazing life. I can’t thank you all enough.

God bless. 🙂

Notes:

Posted on reddit by Christian: u/D347H574R

Image of hiker via Kent Miller, Creative Commons