God Running is a place for anyone who wants to (or even anyone who wants to want to) love Jesus more deeply, follow Jesus more closely, and love people the way Jesus wants us to.
Below you’ll find another chapter from the book Wes Beyer and I are writing called The Jesus Shortcut: How to Become More Like Jesus (in the shortest possible time). Previously we posted the introduction and preceding chapters. If you’re interested, you can read more here: Loneliness and Isolation, Alypius and the Gladiator (and one of the most powerful forces on earth), Khesed, The Light of Christ: Where the Power of Christ is Found, and Gratitude: Another Attribute of the Friends We Choose. For the next few weeks, I’ll post a chapter of this book on the God Running blog until the book is completed. Wes and I are wide open to your suggestions, and especially any stories you may have about people who were influenced for Jesus by their friends.
The Friends We Choose
If you’re a regular reader of the God Running blog, by now you realize one of the biggest keys to abiding in Christ, and experiencing God’s transcendent love and power, is to intentionally connect yourself to a group of Jesus followers who have these three attributes: 1) They khesed like Jesus. 2) Their faces shine with the love of Christ. 3) They’re filled with gratitude.
In chapter 4, we’ll look at a fourth attribute of this group, and that attribute is challenge or accountability.
A Culture of Accountability
Jesus wants us to connect with this group of people who follow Christ closely on a regular and ongoing basis. And here’s one thing about the people in the group you’re looking for: Every person in that group wants to hear about it any time they do anything that’s inconsistent with the character of Jesus. That’s what they want. That’s what they desire. It’s true that nobody enjoys being called out or told their wrong. But the people in the group you’re looking for know that they’re imperfect and will welcome correction, even if it stings.
Of course the person over which you have the most control is yourself, and the person over which I have the most control is myself. So it starts with you and it starts with me. It starts with me receiving criticism in the best way possible.
So we need to openly express our desire to hear about it anytime we do anything inconsistent with the character of Christ.
I find it interesting and instructive how Jesus responded to Nathanael’s critical, cynical attitude toward Him in John chapter one.
Philip found Nathanael and said to him, “We have found him of whom Moses in the Law and also the prophets wrote, Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.” Nathanael said to him, “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?” Philip said to him, “Come and see.” Jesus saw Nathanael coming toward him and said of him, “Behold, an Israelite indeed, in whom there is no deceit!” Nathanael said to him, “How do you know me?” Jesus answered him, “Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you.” Nathanael answered him, “Rabbi, you are the Son of God! You are the King of Israel!” Jesus answered him, “Because I said to you, ‘I saw you under the fig tree,’ do you believe? You will see greater things than these.”
(John 1:45-50)
How Jesus Responded to Criticism
Critical and cynical. That was Nathanael’s attitude toward the news that Philip had “found the one Moses and the prophets wrote about.”
“Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?” Nathanael responded.
At the time, Nazareth didn’t have the best reputation as a city. It may be Nathanael’s cynicism and criticism were understandable. However, to Nathanael’s credit, though he has some tough questions, he decides to accept Philip’s invitation to “come and see” for himself.
And here’s how Jesus responds to Nathanael’s negativity.
“Behold, an Israelite indeed, in whom there is no deceit,” Jesus says enthusiastically as He sees Nathanael approaching.
“Behold, an Israelite . . .” The very first words out of Jesus’ mouth are words affirming Nathanael as an Israelite, as one of God’s chosen people.
“. . . in whom there is no deceit!” (or guile as the King James Version renders it). This was a play on words by Jesus. He was referring back to Jacob. Jacob, who was renamed Israel by the Lord, was a man known for his guile and deceit. You probably remember Jacob tricking his blind father Isaac out of his older brother’s blessing—one of a number of instances where Jacob used deceit and guile to get his way. So here we see Jesus, rather than defending Himself against Nathanael’s cynicism, using this play on words to emphasize Nathanael’s genuineness and honesty.
Nathanael, recognizing Jesus knew how he felt about a prophet coming from Nazareth, says, “How do you know me?”
“Before Philip called you, I saw you under that fig tree,” Jesus replies.
At which point Nathanael answers, “Rabbi, You are the Son of God. You are the King of Israel.”
And Jesus answers back, “Because I saw you under that fig tree you believe? You’ll see greater things than these.” Jesus finishes the conversation by commending Nathanael for his faith.
Receiving Criticism in the Moment: 7 Predetermined Steps
Maybe you’re like me and when you’re criticized, you can feel flooded with emotion. Sometimes I want to jump straight to defending myself. Sometimes I can feel my heart rate and blood pressure increasing. Sometimes I become angry.
When we’re flooded, we’re unlikely to respond in a Christ-like manner.
So a predetermined response that’s already loaded in your communication queue can make an enormous difference.
Below you’ll find seven simple predetermined steps for dealing with criticism in the moment. Putting this list into practice is very much a work in progress for me. But I recommend you memorize them and practice them at every opportunity until this response is automatic.
1. Breathe and meditate on Jesus’ response to Nathanael’s cynicism: “Behold, an Israelite indeed, in whom there is no deceit!” (John 1:47) Think of something positive to say about the critic and share it out loud.
2. Remind yourself you want to be wise AND GENTLE like Jesus. God tells us in Hebrews that without holiness, no one will see Jesus (Hebrews 12:14). It’s hard for others to hear us when we’re harsh. One of the reasons Jesus was so spectacular with his communication was because Jesus was gentle. “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,” Jesus said, “for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:29).
3. Remind yourself this is a time to prioritize relationship and not a time to right fight.
4. Remind yourself that in the Bible we see Jesus ask over 300 questions, but he gave at most only 10 direct answers. Be like Jesus. Become genuinely curious. Ask questions. See what you can learn. Paraphrase back to the person who’s criticizing to confirm your understanding. (Sermons by Logos)
5. Tell yourself: Jesus was rarely concerned with being understood in the moment. Wise, Christ-like people don’t concern themselves with being understood in the moment.
6. Tell yourself: Jesus recognized the best way to be understood is over a long period of time. Wise, Christ-like people let understanding come over a long time.
7. Finally, give thanks to God for the conversation.
When It’s Especially Tough: 5 Steps to Taking Criticism Well
In chapter 3 of the Love Like Jesus book, I write about how Jesus, and a certain NFL quarterback, and a certain pastor, and a certain fire chief responded to critics.
I also write about five steps you and I can take to respond to criticism well, and here they are:
1. Don’t respond for twenty-four hours.
If you’re like me, when you receive criticism, you can become flooded with emotion. You feel anger, or you feel deflated, or you feel crushed, or a combination of any number of emotions. I’ve learned over the years that nothing good happens while I’m upset. If I try to address criticism while I’m upset, I make it worse instead of better, even when I think I’m saying or doing the best thing in the moment. Most of us are the same. So just thank them for sharing or say nothing, or even walk away if you have to. And then wait a day. Let yourself sleep on it. Give yourself time to go to God and ask Him about it. The people I see who respond like Jesus to criticism respond with grace and integrity. Waiting for twenty-four hours gives you the best possible chance to do the same. What a difference a day will make in your perspective, and in your quest to love like Jesus.
2. Ask yourself: Is there any truth at all in what they said?
Jesus is the one person in the history of the planet who never had to ask Himself this question. But for the rest of us, it will be rare for us to examine what was said and come to the conclusion there was no truth in it. And if you do come to that conclusion, ask a friend who knows you well, someone you trust, if they see any truth in what was said. They might see what the critic saw, even if you don’t. And even if you find some small truth in there somewhere, use it to grow into a more virtuous human being. In fact, I would say try your best to find some truth in the criticism. Use it to grow into a person who’s more like Jesus. Finally, even if there’s no truth whatsoever in what was said, at least you asked yourself and a friend the question. You lose nothing by asking.
3. Own what you can.
Find whatever part of the criticism you can own, even if it’s small. Try to understand how that person came to feel the way he or she does. Try to understand the why behind their feelings, even if they overreacted. I’ve noticed that people who are successfully loving like Jesus take responsibility. People who struggle to love like Jesus tend to blame, become defensive, and justify themselves. You and I don’t want to be that person.
4. Raise the relational bar.
Raise the level of communication from how they communicated with you. If they emailed you, call them. If they called you, take them out for coffee. Tell them you’d like to learn more about what they said and how they’re feeling. If they criticized you in person, take them out to lunch. I’ve experienced this both as a critic, and as the one being criticized, and it’s amazing how disarming it can be. If the person who criticized is healthy, and if you own whatever you can, most of the time the situation will be diffused and you’ll experience a spirit of reconciliation—if you raise the relational bar in this way.
5. Discard the rubbish.
Even if you found some truth you could own, and you responded with grace and love, the way Jesus would have, sometimes there’s still rubbish to be dealt with. And the way to deal with it is to discard it. Sometimes criticism is less about you and more about what’s going on with the critic. Maybe they just had a fight with their spouse. Or maybe they just got dumped on at work. Or maybe they’re depleted physically or emotionally.
Sometimes good people overreact, or react inappropriately. And sometimes critics aren’t just mad at you, they’re mad at the world. Either way, it may be there’s some content in their criticism that’s not based in reality. It’s based in something else: something having to do with the critic more than the one criticized. Share it with God. Talk to a trusted friend about it. Acknowledge that it hurts anyway. And then let it go. Don’t carry a load from yesterday into today.1 (The five steps were inspired by Carey Nieuwhof’s article, 5 Ways to Make Criticism Sting Less, CareyNieuwhof.com)
What Jesus Could Have Said But Didn’t
Jesus could have responded to Nathanael with a whopping comeback. “You obviously don’t know Who (with a capital W) you’re talking to, or what you’re talking about. I wasn’t even born in Nazareth, I was born in Bethlehem, the precise place where God promised the Messiah would come from. Maybe you should get your facts straight before you share your cynicism. I was going to include you in a group of eleven people who will turn the world upside down and influence the entire planet for eternity, but with that attitude—you’re out!”
But that’s not what Jesus did. Instead, He met Nathanael’s negativity and cynicism with grace and love. Jesus, rather than defending Himself, responds to Nathanael’s attitude by affirming Nathanael’s position as one of God’s chosen, by emphasizing his honesty, and by commending him for his faith. Jesus took Nathanael’s negative and turned it around to a positive, and he communicated with Nathanael in person. It’s so easy to respond to someone who’s critical toward you with defensiveness, or by returning the negative with a negative shot right back.
But the people I observe who love critics the way Jesus did, they look for whatever positive they can find, they always find something, and they start there, and they often raise the relational bar too. The people I know who add value to critics the way Jesus did have more opportunity to impact their life for Christ. The people I know who take value away from critics, even when they’re well-meaning, tend to cause others to withdraw from them and to disregard what they have to say. So next time you’re faced with a critic or a cynic, start by finding and emphasizing the positive. Raise the relational bar.
Jesus did.
You can too.2
Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.
(Hebrews 12:14)
In our next post, we’ll look at the most effective way to hold others accountable.
Notes:
- Kurt Bennett, Love Like Jesus: How Jesus Loved People (and how you can love like Jesus), 2nd Edition, Enoch Media, January 30, 2020
- Carey Nieuwhof, “5 Ways to Make Criticism Sting Less”, CareyNieuwhof.com
- Jim Wilder, Michel Hendricks, The Other Half of Church, Moody Publishers, August 4, 2020
The Love Like Jesus Book
Available on Google Play Books and on Amazon!
Love Like Jesus: How Jesus Loved People (and how you can love like Jesus)
Love Like Jesus begins with the story of how after a life of regular church attendance and Bible study, Bennett was challenged by a pastor to study Jesus. That led to an obsessive seven year deep dive. After pouring over Jesus’ every interaction with another human being, he realized he was doing a much better job of studying Jesus’ words than he was following Jesus’ words and example. The honest and fearless revelations of Bennett’s own moral failures affirm he wrote this book for himself as much as for others. Love Like Jesus examines a variety of stories, examples, and research, including:
- Specific examples of how Jesus communicated God’s love to others.
- How Jesus demonstrated all five of Gary Chapman’s love languages (and how you can too).
- The story of how Billy Graham extended Christ’s extraordinary love and grace toward a man who misrepresented Jesus to millions.
- How to respond to critics the way Jesus did.
- How to love unlovable people the way Jesus did.
- How to survive a life of loving like Jesus (or how not to become a Christian doormat).
- How Jesus didn’t love everyone the same (and why you shouldn’t either).
- How Jesus guarded his heart by taking care of himself–he even napped–and why you should do the same.
- How Jesus loved his betrayer Judas, even to the very end.
With genuine unfiltered honesty, Love Like Jesus, shows you how to live a life according to God’s definition of success: A life of loving God well, and loving the people around you well too.
A life of loving like Jesus. (Kindle, hardcover, and paperback now available on Amazon and Google Play Books.)
We also recently released the audiobook version, beautifully narrated by Jonathan St. John. It’s available on the following platforms:
It’s also available on Amazon, Hoopla, Audiobooksnow, Chirp, Libro, Overdrive, and virtually everywhere audiobooks are offered.
