God Running is a place for anyone who wants to love Jesus more deeply, follow Jesus more closely, and love people the way Jesus wants us to.
As many of you know, Wes Beyer and I are writing a book together and we sent it out to a number of smart people for feedback. The book is about how Jesus chose his friends, and how you and I, as Jesus followers, should choose our friends too. Most of the book is about what these friends look like. But something our smart reviewers shared with us is they think we should include a chapter on how to make friends.
This article is the first draft of that chapter.
What the Research Says About Friendship
After researching how to make friends, this is what I found:
- The greatest predictor of friendship is how much time you spend with a person face-to-face, especially outside of the work or classroom environment. Time spent with a person is also a predictor of how close your friendship will be.
- Geography is important. The closer you live to someone, the better the setting for becoming friends.
- We have to do things together to become friends and to maintain friendships! Enjoying leisure activities together is an especially fruitful investment toward friendship.
- Doing things together is the most common friendship turning point.
- Not all conversation is created equal. Small talk is just a beginning. Catching up, checking in, joking around, and meaningful deep conversation are the kinds of conversation that fuel close friendship.
Jesus and His Friends
As I was learning about making friends I was struck by how Jesus and his disciples lived. They were constantly in each other’s company. They did things together. They did ministry together. They went on long walks. They ate meals together. They went to God’s house together. They had deep meaningful conversations with each other.
Jesus and his disciples provide a beautiful model for us.
Most of us can’t go into full-time ministry with a group of chosen disciples.
But we can do the five things described in the list above.
You and Your Friends
As I pointed out in a previous article, the beginning point is prayer. Jesus prayed all night about who he would choose as his twelve closest friends and disciples. (Luke 6:12-16, The Five Essential Attributes of Your Closest Friends)
In my experience, the place to find Christlike people are the same places where people do Christlike things. The most Christlike people are found where Jesus followers are serving others. This will require quite a bit of experimentation. You’ll have to try different ministries at different churches. It’s sad but true that not all ministries will include Christlike people. But keep trying. Don’t stop participating in different ministries until you find the Christlike people you’re looking for.
Common interests are important. The more common interests you have, the more time you’ll spend together, and the closer your friendship will become. Hanging out together sharing a common interest is not a waste of time. Quite the opposite. Doing things together is important.
Initiation is important too. Initiation is like water to a plant. The more you initiate, the better your friendships will grow. Invite friends to do things with you. Send texts. Call on the phone. Check in just to check in. But most importantly, invite people to spend time together face-to-face. Make it a habit to initiate and never give that up.
Now, this is a legitimate weakness for many people, particularly those with ADHD. Wes said he can attest to this; he’s said that if these things aren’t right in front of him, he’ll often forget to do them, not because he doesn’t value his friendships, but because it simply does not cross his mind with all of the other things that are immediately in front of him, and then he feels like a terrible friend. So if you’re like Wes, then it’s even more important to ensure that you initiate: put them in front of you, set things up for yourself so that they have to cross your mind, because you know just how taxing it is to keep everything else straight. Maybe keep pictures of you with your friends in places you spend a lot of your time, maybe write out and hang up a contact list with their phone numbers and addresses if you have them. Or maybe add random reminders to your calendar; whatever will help you most to keep those things right in front of you. And if you’re friends with a Wes, one of the best things you can do apart from keeping up initiation on your end is help him out. Help him find ways to set himself up to grow in the skill of initiation, and come at it with patience. You don’t have to spend hours on it or develop a whole system for him or anything like that, but just a few tiny things here and there can really do wonders.
Trust me, your Wes—I mean your friend—will be extremely grateful.
Finally, be vulnerable. Once you get to know someone, share your life with them. Joke with them (humor is a way to be vulnerable, because, as my wife tells me—sometimes I’m not funny). Engage in deep conversation about Jesus and the deep things in life.
Making friends takes time, and energy, and persistence, but is it ever worth it! My life is so rich because I did the things described in this article. Everything I want to do to follow Jesus, I do better because of the foundation of Christlike friends I have around me.
Try it for yourself and see what rich blessings come from finding friends like Jesus.
In closing, I leave with you these words from St. Ignatius:
“Labour together with one another; strive in company together; run together; suffer together; sleep together; and awake together, as the stewards, and associates, and servants of God.”
–St. Ignatius of Antioch to Polycarp
Notes
Jeffrey A. Hall, How many hours does it take to make a friend?, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, March 15, 2018
Dr. Marisa G. Franco and Samantha Fulton, BA; 13 Easy Ways to Make New Friends & Develop Connections, WikiHow, August 1, 2026
